Learning to Trust Whatever Comes

~ If you didn't know, I have a music & art page ~


As I travel into and through this Bali adventure I notice that I go through some pretty challenging and painful episodes of anxiety and forgetting of why i'm here and what i'm doing here. As in, what am I doing in life, what is my purpose, what am I here to do, to give, to receive.


I'm in a beautiful tropical paradise place, creating beautiful art, surrounded by inspiring and inspired people, yet there's something within for which life is never enough. There always needs to be something better on the horizon, or what I have is not enough. It's a voice and an energy of anxiety and a lack of settling. Somehow it doesn't let it be okay to just sit, relax, receive, and breathe deeply. If it had a voice, it would be saying "you haven't done enough, keep going, keep moving, you're missing out, you haven't done enough, you need to keep digging and searching."


As I tune back into the music i've made, like this vocal improvisation piece I have posted below ("Safe Passage"), I remember something vast yet personal. It has something to do with my purpose on earth and what I am here to do. The direct wordless antidote and answer to the above worries, questions, and anxieties. It's something I tune into usually during morning music sessions that feels inherently Me, something timeless and soft, open, available to life and potent, calm and relaxed yet engaged.


I am learning to embrace the multiplicity. Some of you who know me or who have read some of my writing might already know that my western astrology shows me being a Triple Gemini: Sun, Moon, and Rising signs all in Gemini: mutable air, change, shifting perspectives, the eternal explorer, always learning and investigating, restless, wandering, curious, inquisitive. I feel a strong resonance with these qualities, the multiplicity, the multifaceted nature of my self and my approach to life... and I also have simultaneous desires and interests to focus in, follow through, develop particular areas and reach high levels of cultivated mastery in music especially, and within music, the voice.


That is to say, one way I feel it, is that at times I feel quite split. Between multiplicity and the longing for focus. Another way of feeling it is that I feel multifaceted and adept in a wide variety of areas. Gifted, to be so inspired by so much of life and desiring to express in many forms. So the process is Less about feeling Destined in one path from an early age and working it throughout my life, and More about Allowing my energy to go where it wants to go. The path is not the voice solely, the path is the inspiration itself. The life force. The curiosity and intrigue of pursuing something and allowing the path to take me with the pure energy of vitality.


A practical vision of this which i've had recently is going on tour with my music around the world, and then taking some time off to make a video project, take some photos, explore, travel, disconnect from the sharing momentum, cultivate, drinking tea all the while, go back on tour, maybe do an art installation. I think these visions are going to increasingly become a central part of my life as the years go on and I develop courage and trust in my art.


So, what does this teach me? To trust ~ ah, there you are my old friend.


And so here is a sharing along this path of mysterious creativity that is my life. A little sliver of the rainbow pie of creative living that seems to be this embodied existence for me. May it do what it's meant to do for and with you and me and everyone.