Tonight I went to a night dedicated to exploring self pleasure in a small group, together. We sat, laid, nested in a circle, each with our spot, dedicated to feeling or being with anything that arises within the invitation to explore pleasure in our bodies.
But I don’t feel like I came on to write about that. More relevant is grief. Sadness. Letting go. I’m reading Martin prechtel’s book The Smell of Rain on Dust and it’s teaching me to trust this emotional river I am being carried downstream in. It reminds me of rafting the Colorado River down the Grand Canyon. There’s basically one entry and one exit, and three full weeks of rafting, camping, rapids, and hopefully not drowning in between.
So im doing the work. I’m bringing all the elements together. Therapy, massage, Chiro, friends, cuddle dates, ecstatic dance, deep sharing with my family, exercise. Truly I feel more myself than I ever have, centered, and in moments, more alive than ever in my memory.
Theres something alive in me that I’m realizing may never fully leave, and that is this home that has been made for sadness and for the underbelly of the world, room for grief, for the shadow. My being has widened and now grief has a seat on this magic school bus. Alongside happiness, inspiration, scepticism, and all those friends.
My experience was that the passageway of separation from a five year relationship of such depth was so challenging partially because I had the sense that because the space for grief on a whole new level was opened, it would never leave. That now, instead of visiting sadness or grief when I felt like it, or it was convenient, or maybe when it smacked me down for a few days but I got back up and did my best to keep moving forward, now it’s different. Now the whole earth has dissolved into something else entirely and my garden is made up of new plant species.
So the self pleasure circle was a part of that new garden tending. Adding more life to my self love practice, deepening into community in new ways, and in a very poignant way, something about making myself accountable to new aspects of myself that I wish to call forth. Now when I walk through the coop and I see someone from tonight, we will have this shared knowing, and I will be reminded of what I wish to call forth in myself.
More self love, always
free flowing expression
Thank you for reading this, dear reader. Thank you for journeying with me through this little exploration. I believe in the power of connecting our human experiences through writing. I wonder what this elicits in you.